My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
well you can't waste a boner
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
