if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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