So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
