My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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