Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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