my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
