life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
