Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
