Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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