u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
