So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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