well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
