Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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