Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
