Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
