There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
