8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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