i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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