My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
