God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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