So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
