i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
