This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
