So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
