I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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