But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
