Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
