you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
