How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize