Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
