On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
