My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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