My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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