Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
