Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
