Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dignity is for republicans.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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