Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
