Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
