he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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