Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
