I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
