y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
