I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
