Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
