yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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