I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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