I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
