She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
