Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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