PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize