So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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