The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
