once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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