Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
