Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
