make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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