Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize