filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
